A doula is there for Dad too.
Something that I get asked a lot is why you would have a birth doula if you already have a supportive birth partner who is the father or your baby. Many dads-to-be fear that a doula will replace them, or take over, they wonder what their role will be if there is another person in the room.
A doula is there to support the whole family - they do not replace the ‘primary’ birth partner, they will work with him to improve the experience for all. The bond between the baby’s mother and father is unique, they are the person you’ve chosen to create life with, they are your life partner and this bond cannot be replicated or replaced by a doula.
Whilst it is the mother that is giving birth, this is a huge life event for both parents - this is the moment that they meet their baby for the first time and it can be scary and overwhelming for Dads. This is particularly the case if this is his first experience of birth and of becoming a father, or if there was a traumatic or negative experience with a previous birth. It can be hard to see your partner, a person that you love, in pain; you will want to help them, to ease that pain, but you cannot fix this or do it for them. A doula can help take the pressure off, share this emotional burden, and can offer reassurance on what is ‘normal’, taking away fear by providing knowledge and helping to explain what is happening and why.
Secondly, being a birth partner is a physically exhausting (and often long) job, and it is more than one person can effectively do alone. A doula can step in if Dad needs a second to refocus, take a breath, go to the loo, have a nap or a sandwich without leaving Mum to labour alone. Hard for him I hear you say?! But yes, he doesn’t have all those lovely birth hormones that give you superhuman strength and energy, and keep you going. If you’re going to a birth centre or hospital, somebody needs to park the car, finish packing the birth bag, load the car, lock up the house, maybe clean up (particularly if your water have released already). If you are birthing at home there will still be ‘things to do’ such as filling a birth pool, calling the midwife, looking after older children (or arranging for them to be picked up!) etc. A doula allows you to divide and conquer, split up these tasks whilst ensuring the birthing person has somebody with them at all times, offering physical and emotional support.
A doula is not medically trained, but they may know a little more about pregnancy and birth than you, so can translate a bit of medical jargon, remind you of your options, or suggest some positions or other coping mechanisms - you may not remember everything from your antenatal classes in the heat of the moment. But the partner knows the birthing person best, they will be the best person to help make decisions or keep Mum calm and positive. Together we make the perfect team.
In essence, a doula supports the partner to enable them to be more effective and better support the birthing person AND enables the partner to be present and able enjoy the experience as much as possible by feeling in control, empowered & informed.
This is a quote from a Dad that I supported recently – a Dad that did not originally want a doula present at the birth of his first child.
“I could not have given the emotional support to my partner that I was able to give without Bea. We discussed the role I wanted to play early on - which, from my perspective, was to be as significant and supportive as possible, and Bea accommodated this. I felt reassured that my partner had access to insight that I couldn’t provide and this was available on tap throughout the pregnancy and particularly in the days building up to the birth date, and I’m confident that it was this that created an environment for my partner that enabled her to have the birth that we both wanted - she was able to remain as relaxed and calm as possible throughout. During labour itself, my role was as hands on as it’s possible to be. More so than I imagined in fact. Bea helped me catch the baby which will stay with me for life and is something I didn’t even know was possible beforehand. She was able to ‘manage’ the midwives too, serving as a translator between NHS speak and myself and my partner, and pick up the things that you forget to do when you invest 100% emotionally in your partner at the birth. And it’s this that ultimately means I can’t recommend her enough - she is an enabler, allowing you to be there for your partner and new baby.”
Doula Bea x
